


Normality

by Angel_made_of_scars



Series: Leading Into A Life [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Autism, Autistic Castiel, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 20:40:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4194165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To say that Castiel Novak was normal was... Well, not normal. Sam wasn't judgemental... But then, he was so much like their dad that he couldn't be sure. So as soon as the word "normal" slipped past his lips, he regretted it. Now Sam wanted to come over that night to meet his nice, quiet, book-nerd, <i>normal<i></i></i> roommate, Cas. Great.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Normality

Dean huffed and sat up out of bed. At least it was Saturday. No classes. He wasn't surprised to see Cas looking at him in interest from the bed opposite his, although his earbuds were in, so he couldn't have heard Dean moving to answer his cell; which made him wonder how long he had been staring at him. He was however, surprised to see him naked, not in the least bit concerned about being seen, and taking apart his favorite stuffed bear.

The bear wore a night gown and hat, and had Velcro hidden under the arm, under the gown. Inside was a plastic heart, and when something pressed on the heart, it would beat. It was suppose to soothe infants because it sounded like what it would sound like in the womb. Safe, listening to a steady heartbeat. Cas always slept with his head on it. Now, the bear wasn't wearing a gown, the Velcro was open, and Cas had the heart in one hand and a screwdriver in the other. In the open area of the bed, which didn't have any sheets per Cas' request, in between his legs, was every type of battery they had in the apartment.

"Cas, hey, why aren't you wearing clothes?" Dean asked carefully.

"It was hot and it felt small and I didn't like it so I took them off. It made it feel bigger." He finished, nodding like he was positive that his answer was the right answer to some big question. Dean understood. It was too hot and stuffy and Cas got claustrophobic sometimes. Usually Dean would open the windows and let a breeze blow in, but the previous night it had been raining. Their apartment had large floor-to-ceiling windows beside Cas' bed, and they had a great view. Cas would sit with his easel and draw the view for hours sometimes. But today, they didn't have hours.

"Cas, why are you taking apart your heart-beat-bears' heart?" Dean asked quietly.

"It's not beating. He needs surgery." Cas said.

"You mean he needs more heart beat boxes?" Dean asked. That's what Cas had named the square batteries.

"Yes. I wanted to do it but I can't find the right sized heart box. Can we open the windows now?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, of course. But first you need to put on at least your underwear, and maybe some shorts. Can you do that? Or do you wanna put a skirt on?" Dean asked.

The first time Cas did that, Dean was more then a little shocked. Since then though, Cas had done his best to explain why he did that. Sometimes, his clothes, especially underwear, felt too tight. Not in the aroused way, it just felt too small. His stomach hurt because the waistband felt too tight around him and sometimes he needed to take them off. Dean understood that. It was like wearing the cheap suit you have in your closet that only sees the light of day on holidays, and every time it's smaller then before, until you can barely breathe in it. That's why Cas would wear a skirt. Nothing under it to be tight. The waist was loose elastic. Dean didn't argue.

"I think I want my skirt. Can I make eggs today?" Cas asked, changing the subject.

"Can I help you crack the eggs?" Dean asked. Dean didn't have the heart to tell him he lied. He hated cracking the eggs. He didn't enjoy it. He just didn't want egg shells in his eggs, and he hated when Cas got sad about messing up.

"Yes, I would appreciate the help." Cas said quickly, standing up and gently placing the plastic heart back inside the bear without the screws put back.

"Will heart-beat-bear be ok without the screws?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, we just can't forget to put them back in later. Put them on your nightstand and go find your skirt. I'll go to the kitchen and get plates." Dean said smiling.

It took a minute but Cas finally did show up, wearing his long sun dress style skirt. It was long and flowing, and the colors changed from yellow to orange to purple as it went down. It didn't provide much cover, but Dean didn't stare. He had gotten used to it by now.

"You ready to cook?" Dean asked.

"Yes, I enjoy cooking." Cas said smiling.

* * *

After breakfast, Dean and Cas went straight down to the park just outside of campus. Well, Cas changed too.

"Dean, can we swing?" Cas asked.

"Sure, you want me to push or sit?" Dean asked.

"Push. Then sit beside me." Cas said quickly.

"Sounds good." Dean said smiling. They walked over to the swings and Cas sat down on the left. He always sat on the left.

"I'm gonna push now ok?" Dean said. Cas nodded and Dean started to push him.

"Hey, Cas, I need to talk to you about something." Dean said carefully.

"Alright." Cas said nervously.

"My brother wants to meet you." Dean said quickly. Cas pushed his feet into the dirt and made the swing stop.

"Is he gonna make you go away?" Cas asked quietly, without turning around. His voice shook and he though Cas might be ready to cry.

"No, no, Cas, I'm not leaving ok? It's not like Bartholomew was." Dean said comfortingly. Bartholomew had been Cas' only roommate that never made fun of him or beat him up. He actually liked Cas a lot. Then his dad came by to visit and told him if Cas was living in that apartment, he was moving out. He made sure his son "wouldn't hang around the retarded."

"Pinky promise?" Cas whispered.

"Pinky promise." Dean said, walking in front of the swing and crouching down in front of him. He put his pinky out, and Cas took it and they shook, which made Cas smile.

"Now... There are some things you can't do... Not yet... See, Sam, that's my brother, he's never met anyone like you. I don't want him to be overwhelmed. So... could you try not to do your nightly routines and tics? Just for tonight? In fact, you can do them as soon as he leaves! Just try to... Be calm ok? And if you feel really uncomfortable, just pull me over to the side and tell me, and we can fix it. Does that sound ok?" Dean asked carefully. Cas suddenly looked terrified, but he still nodded.

"I want to go home now." Cas said quietly.

"Ok..." Dean said, standing up and holding out his elbow. Cas didn't take it like he usually did. Instead he wrung his hands together, like he did when he was nervous.

* * *

Around lunch time Cas had his first attack. It hadn't happened in a week or two, so it startled Dean when he was suddenly humming and rocking in the living room.

"Cas, hey, what's wrong?" Dean asked quietly. Cas didn't answer.

"Right, ok, can I touch? You want touch?" Dean asked. Cas made a startled noise and looked around frantically, like his eyes couldn't focus.

"No touch, ok, you want your bear?" Dean asked.

"Broke..." Cas said shakily.

"Right, sorry, uh... What is it? Is it too hot? Too cold? Do you need to go outside?" Dean asked carefully.

"No!" Cas yelled, putting his hands over his head, and putting his head on his knees.

"Ok, can you tell me what's bothering you?" Dean asked.

"No!" Cas said shakily.

"Ok, can I touch? Please? B-Because... You know when you get nervous sometimes I get nervous too, and it helps me when you touch, ok?" Dean said quickly. Cas started to cry then, not wanting to touch but wanting to help Dean somehow. Sometimes Dean liked mirror. Mirror didn't have touch.

"M-Mir-" Cas stuttered, sucking in a breath to try to calm down.

"Mirror? You think mirror will help me?" Dean asked. He knew sometimes Cas, for whatever reason, didn't want to help himself. Usually this was when he felt like he did something wrong, like he was punishing himself. He had learned however, that if Cas thought Dean was in any sort of pain, he would do anything. Cas was nodding, sort of, but he didn't seem too happy about moving his hands. They were locked together so tightly that his nod was more of just one movement down.

"You wanna wait a few minutes? I can wait." Dean said quietly.

"Ok..." Cas said shakily. It took a few minutes but finally Cas raised his hands. He watched Dean perk up and start to move his hands. Cas mirrored every movement, and after about a half an hour he felt ok again.

"Can we go to sleep?" Cas asked.

"We? You want me to lay with you until you fall asleep, or stay?" Dean asked.

"Stay until I fall asleep, then get up." Cas said quietly.

"Ok, I can do that." Dean said, trying not to sound disappointed. Cas stood up and Dean followed him into the bedroom. Cas laid down on Deans bed, which was strange, but immediately decided he didn't like it.

"Can I have your pillow for a little while?" Cas asked.

"Sure." Dean said, even though he wasn't sure why. Cas got up and went to his bed, laid down, and stuffed his head in the pillow.

"It smells like you." Cas said calmly, as if it was completely normal. Dean nodded but didn't question it.

"I'm sorry." Cas said quietly.

"Don't say that Cas, it's not your fault that you get worked up sometimes. And don't say anything about leaving either." Dean added. That was one thing Dean didn't like about Cas. He always blamed himself. He always offered to move out after panicking.

Cas nodded though, and got comfy, before looking back at Dean. He laid down beside Cas and waited for his signal. When Cas patted the bed twice, Dean put an arm around him and pulled the blanket up over them.

He knew if this were any other guy, he would be mortified, but Cas was different. Cas wasn't just a guy, Cas was... Cas... He wasn't into anyone, and Dean knew that. This was platonic cuddling. But Dean wouldn't lie, he savoured these moments. The times when Cas got as close as possible or held his hand or slept curled up against him. He wouldn't say he didn't wish Cas liked him, even a little, because he did, but he also knew if he were to tell him, it could scare him. So he only allowed himself to touch him when he started to fall asleep.

"Can I touch more?" Dean asked, almost in a whisper. Cas hummed in agreement. Dean moved his hand under Cas' head and lifted it, just enough to put his arm under his neck. Cas hummed when Dean used that hand to run fingers through the hair at the front of his face.

"Dean, I changed my mind. Will you stay until I wake up?" Cas asked quietly.

"Of course I will." Dean said, smiling at him even though he knew Cas couldn't see. In fact, maybe that's _why ___he smiled. Cas couldn't see it.

* * *

"Shit- Cas, wake up! Sam is gonna be here in fifteen minutes!" Dean yelled. Cas make a startled noise somewhere between a grunt and a moan and fell off the bed.

"Fuck- are you ok?" Dean asked carefully. Cas looked over the edge of the bed at him and nodded.

"Ok, good, I'll go make... uh... pasta? You clean up." Dean said quickly.

"Dean-" Cas tried, but he was already leaving the room.

"Just put on something I might wear." Dean said as he walked away.

"Alright..." Cas said quietly. He got up and started to look around. It wasn't easy to be like Dean, but he would try.

* * *

"Cas? Sam's at the door." Dean said, stopping in the doorway when he realized Cas was wearing his pajamas.

"Shit!" Dean said, grabbing a t-shirt and jeans and throwing those at him.

"Put those on!" Dean said quickly, running to the door.

"Dean- why are you rushing?!" Cas asked frantically.

"I-I'm not- I mean- I'm sorry. Just... go put them on, ok? Don't panic." Dean said. Cas nodded and went back into the bedroom.

"Sam! Hey, Come on in." Dean said.

"Hey, where's Castiel?" Sam asked.

"I'm here." Cas said, making Dean turn around.

"Why are you wearing clothes over another pair of clothes?" Sam asked, grinning a little.

"Dean told me to put them on... Dean didn't say to take his pajamas off first." Cas said stoically.

"OK! You jokester! Go back and change!" Dean said, a bit over enthusiastically, and turning him and pushing him towards the bedroom. Once he was in the bedroom, Dean turned towards Sam, his face red from embarrassment.

"H-He just likes to kid around sometimes... Those aren't my pajamas..." Dean added awkwardly.

"Ok... Well, what are we eating?" Sam asked, thinking he should probably change the subject.

"Pasta... I took a nap and woke up late, had to make something quick, so the sauce is from a jar." Dean said.

"That's fine, let's just eat before it gets cold." Sam said, smiling wider when Cas came out of the bedroom dressed correctly.

"Hey Cas, this is Sam, my brother." Dean said, waving an arm towards him. Cas waved nervously, but didn't say anything.

"Don't be shy, he doesn't bite!" Dean joked.

"Sorry Dean... Hello Sam." Cas said quietly. Dean wanted to tell him not to apologize, but Sam was here.

"Ok, well let's eat!" Dean said quickly.

* * *

"Castiel, why aren't you eating?" Sam asked.

"Dean cuts my pasta and he hasn't yet." Cas said honestly.

"Is that true Dean? Have you been so busy talking to me that you forgot to cut his food?" Sam asked increasingly, thinking he was joking.

"Y-Yeah... Sorry Cas..." Dean said quietly, awkwardly standing up and standing over Cas. Sam dropped his smile when Dean actually reached around him and started to cut up the long pasta, that didn't even have sauce, into small pieces that he wouldn't choke on if he swallowed it whole.

"Ok then... uh, Cas, we've talked enough about me, what do you do for work?" Sam asked as Dean sat back down.

"I..." Cas stopped, looking over at Dean.

"I translate... For people who can't find words..." Cas said shyly.

"Cool, what languages do you know?" Sam asked.

"I... I speak English..." Cas said quietly. Sam cast a questioning look toward Dean, making him speak up.

"He- He uh... He helps people at the hospital figure out how to say what they need... mostly the... the handicapped and the..." Dean stopped, looked at Cas, waiting for him to nod.

"Mentally challenged?" Sam guessed, seeing how Cas tensed up. Dean shut his eyes and breathed deeply.

"Dean... I'm ok..." Cas said quietly. Sam scrunched his eyebrows in confusion but he didn't say anything. Cas stayed quiet and didn't eat for the rest of the meal.

* * *

"So, movie?" Sam asked.

"Sure, pop it in and start it, I'll be right back." Dean said quickly, dragging grabbing Cas' arm and pulling him into the bedroom. Cas wanted to make some kind of noise, he hated being grabbed, but he didn't.

"Cas, you gotta be more careful here, I don't want him to not like you." Dean said quickly. He felt awful about it, but he needed Sam to like him.

"I-I understand... I'm sorry..." Cas said quietly.

"Don't be sorry... I'm sorry... look, just try to... act natural ok? And... I'm sorry about... What he said at dinner, he doesn't know your sensitive to that." Dean said carefully.

"It's ok... I'm too sensitive..." Cas said quietly.

"No, you're not! You're you, and you're... You're ok Cas, no one is perfect, but you're right there at the top, ok? Just try to stay strong, you're... You're doing great, ok?" Dean said quietly. Cas nodded but didn't seem reassured.

"Ok, sit by me, and just tell me if anything's wrong." Dean said, walking out the bedroom and sitting beside Sam on the couch.

* * *

As the movie progressed, Cas became more tense. He picked up a book and pretended to read, but it didn't help. After a while, Dean couldn't stand it anymore. Sam had heard the humming to, but wasn't sure what to say, so he had ignored it.

"Fuck it, I can't do this. Cas, are you ok?" Dean asked, standing from the couch and rushing to go sit by the windows, and watching him fall off the couch and crawl towards him. He dropped his book and his hands started shaking violently. As soon as he was close enough, Dean reached out his arms and Cas got closer, but didn't let them touch. He hummed much louder, one constant note, and started to cry and rock. When he looked up, it was at Sam, with a look Dean would describe as horror.

"Cas, you want the windows open?" Dean asked carefully. Cas stopped his humming to whine slightly before humming again. Dean stood and started to open windows.

"Dean, what is he doing?" Sam asked.

"Quiet!" Dean snapped back. Sam was taken aback by how angry he sounded and chose to stay silent. As soon as Dean was done opening the windows he crouched next to Cas on the floor again and tried to look at his face. He was curled in on himself, with his face on his knees, rocking and letting his hands shake on top of his head.

"Cas, you need the heart-beat-bear?" Dean asked.

"Broke!" Cas yelled, struggling to calm down.

"Ok, alright, sorry, forgot again, can I touch?" Dean asked quietly.

"Y-Yes..." Cas said shakily. Dean nodded and put his hand on Cas' shoulder, trailing it onto his back and around to his other side so he could pull him closer. When he did, he pressed Cas against his chest and Cas' slowly got calmer. After a few minutes he had stopped whining, and that made Dean much calmer, even though he could still feel how Cas was trembling.

"Y-You sound louder t-then my bear." Cas said quietly, sniffing and edging closer to Dean. When he was finally pressing his face against Deans chest, Dean started to hum and Cas slowly stopped shivering. His hands and body went still and he cuddled up closer against Dean until he was sure he was asleep. That was until Cas spoke, keeping his eyes shut.

"I know you don't want me to crack the eggs." Cas said quietly.

"What?" Dean said in confusion, looking down at at the head of hair against his chest.

"You don't want me to do it because I get shells in them." Cas explained.

"That's not... are you mad?" Dean asked carefully. Cas shook his head. Sam waved his hand and probably tried to ask him what the hell was going on, but he ignored him.

"I like it when you help. Will you keep cracking the eggs?" Cas asked.

"Yeah... Yeah, of course I will." Dean said quietly, smiling a little when Cas nudged up against him just a little more.

"Can we go watch the cars that are outside now?" Cas asked, sitting up and sliding off his lap to look at him.

"Cas... listen, I know you like to do that, but can we do it later? Sam is here right now." Dean said carefully. Cas looked heartbroken at his words and looked away from him.

"Hey, don't be upset, you want some watermelon? Remember, the one you chose at the market? You didn't eat dinner, you must be hungry." Dean said quietly.

"Do you want me to leave?" Cas asked quietly.

"Cas- don't start that, I'm not gonna make you leave!" Dean said quickly.

"But I messed up..." Cas said quietly.

"And I don't care about that! Go put on your clothes, your sweat pants and t-shirt, then come back out here, ok?" Dean said carefully, stroking his hair a little before he could move.

"Ok." Cas said, getting up from his lap and going towards the bedroom. Sam stared at Dean, and as soon as Cas was gone, Sam spoke.

"Dude, what the hell?" Sam asked quietly.

"He's... There's nothing wrong with him! He's just... He's different!" Dean said quickly.

"Yeah, I can see that dumbass, I mean... why didn't you tell me?" Sam asked.

"Because I didn't know how you would react! I tried to make it a normal night, and now he's gonna hate me!" Dean snapped.

"What's his condition?" Sam asked carefully.

"He... He has..." Dean stopped, looking towards the bedroom door.

"Is he... Mentally challenged?" Sam asked.

"No! He's- I mean- He's autistic, but he's not... He's a genius Sam, in math and science, and his art is amazing, he can even do freaking ballet, he just can't... Figure out how to talk to people, and... He has trouble with simple things. It's like he reverts back to a five year old, but put something complicated in front of him and he's Albert Einstein." Dean said proudly.

"Dean... You shouldn't have to take care of him, wouldn't it be easier to... I don't know, get a nurse from the local hospital to look after him? Maybe even move him down to there to get looked after?" Sam asked.

"No, no way, don't you _dare ___do that Sam!" Dean said quickly.

"Dean... it might be better for him." He said quietly.

"No..." Cas said in a whimper. Dean turned around to see Cas with tears running off his face.

"Don't let him take me away! Please don't! I want you to stay with me! I don't wanna go to the doctors! Meg pokes me and makes me swallow things Dean, I can't! Don't let him take me away!" Cas begged, sobbing and staring straight in Deans eyes.

"No, I won't, never, I promise!" Dean said quickly, running over to him and putting his hands on Cas' shoulders lightly.

"Dean-" Cas choked out, falling against him and grabbing him in a hug, before letting all his weight fall on Dean. He lowered them to the ground and Sam watched as Cas sobbed against Deans shoulder.

"I won't, I swear, I'm not gonna make you go there Cas, I would never do that unless you're in danger, you know that! I won't leave you either, ok?" Dean said quickly, pulling him back to take his face in both his hands. Dean brushed off Cas' face with his thumbs, but it did little good. His eyes were wet and his nose was running, and he looked like a mess, but Dean just pulled him closer again.

"Cas... I'm sorry... I won't make you do anything, ok? I just thought you might... like it?" Sam said awkwardly.

"No!" Cas yelled, grabbing Dean around the neck tighter.

"Dean... What do I do?" Sam asked quietly.

"Just... back up, go sit on the couch, and turn off the tv." Dean said quickly.

"Cas, how about we show Sam your heart-beat-bear?" Dean asked. Cas nodded and Dean helped him stand up. He was still whimpering a little, but now that Sam wasn't around he seemed a little more comfortable.

"Ok, here are the screws, and here's... the heart beat box!" Dean said, picking out the right battery and grabbing the bear. He handed those to Cas and picked up the screwdriver, then walked right beside him to the living room.

"Ok, just sit down wherever you want and we'll start fixing him, alright?" Dean said quietly. Cas nodded and put the battery in his pocket, then grabbed Deans hand. Dean grinned and pulled him towards the couch. Instead of sitting on the couch, Dean sat down beside Cas on the floor and put the screws and screwdriver down.

"You can do it, and I'll screw the screws back in after." Dean offered. Cas nodded and worked in silence as he pulled the heart out and put the battery in. He looked at Dean for confirmation and Dean smiled at him.

"There now, you did great, not lemme put the screws in and it'll be good as new!" Dean said happily. Cas nodded but didn't say anything as he worked. Once the heart was fixed, and the gown was back on the bear, he showed Cas, and Cas nodded.

"There, now why don't you go show Sam?" Dean said. Cas shook his head, but Dean didn't take no for an answer.

"Come on, it's ok, Sam isn't upset, right Sam?" Dean asked carefully.

"Of course not." Sam said quickly. Cas looked at Dean, then back at Sam, and stood up slowly. He stood in front of Sam on the couch, but he couldn't meet his eyes.

"This is my heart-beat-bear. It helps me sleep and if Dean is out then it helps me calm down, but Dean always helps when he gets back." Cas said quietly.

"You seem to like talking about Dean. What do you and Dean usually do?" Sam asked.

"We make eggs and sometimes waffles when we're both here in the morning. Then we go walking or driving. Sometimes in the afternoon Dean likes making pie for me to try and if I don't like it he eats it. He says he won't get obese because he goes to the gym, but when I'm upset, sometimes he holds me, and I felt how he's getting pudgy." Cas said.

Sam snorted on laughter, while Dean looked horrified. Ok, so maybe he hadn't been going to the gym for the last... month, but he didn't notice _that ___much of a difference.

"So Dean is gaining weight, huh?" Sam chuckled.

"Yes, but I think it's nice. He's soft like my heart-beat-bear, but his heart is louder." Cas said shyly. He wasn't sure if he should be telling Sam this, since Dean was turning red, but Sam just seemed happier.

"What do you do at night?" Sam asked.

"We watch the cars that go by on the road for thirty minutes, and sometimes we eat ice cream or the pie Dean makes. Once when Dean was sick though, and he fell asleep before we watched the cars, I drew a picture of them so he could see. He liked it and now sometimes we draw them." Cas said.

"What do you like doing when Dean isn't here?" Sam asked.

"I draw, or read. Sometimes I make food, but if it has eggs, I have to crack it and use a strainer, so Dean doesn't have shells in his. I also like bubble baths, and going to work, and ballet, but I haven't don't ballet for a few years, so Dean has to be here to help me do the poses right without falling. I also like sleeping with Dean." Cas said.

Sam turned red and rubbed his neck. He wasn't sure what to say to that. Dean didn't seem embarrassed though, he seemed to be waiting for something. Cas looked at Sam, then tilted his head and squinted. He looked at Dean, where he was sitting on the floor still, and a look of realization crossed his face.

"Does he think I'm referencing sex?" Cas asked. Dean smiled and stood up, patting his shoulder.

"You're doing amazing with the social queues Cas, that's probably exactly what he thinks. How did you know?" Dean asked.

"He looks... uncomfortable. You said people do that with awkward subjects, although I still don't know why sex is considered awkward." Cas said quietly.

"That's ok, you're doing great. Why don't you explain what you meant?" Dean suggested.

Now that Sam knew, it felt way easier to just talk to Cas like no one else was there. Cas often needed assurance of how to proceed with new people, but it was difficult with others. Sam seemed like he understand though. He was sitting patiently, albeit curiously, waiting for what Cas would say.

"Dean and I have not had sex. Or kissed. But he does hold my hand when I'm nervous. We just sleep together. It feels safe and his heart is louder then my bears heart. Sometimes he hums or sings. It's nice." Cas explained.

Dean seemed to be trying hard not to look embarrassed by that, if only so Cas wouldn't pick up on _his ___social queues. It wasn't really the singing, it was just the fact that it was an intimate thing, something both the brothers understood wasn't just done for casual friends. Cas didn't know that. Sam could see how he looked though, so he didn't say anything.

"Do you wanna hear about me?" Sam asked. Cas nodded. 

"Do you wanna sit down?" Sam asked carefully. Cas bit his lip, took Deans hand, and sat down, pulling Dean along with him. 

* * *

Sam had proceeded to talk about everything and anything. About his life, his job, his college life, his girlfriend. He even told stories of a guy named Gabriel and all the weird things they would do, which Dean laughed at, but Cas didn't seem to enjoy. When Cas explained he knew Gabriel, and that it was his brother Gabriel he was talking about, Dean laughed even more, because they couldn't be more different. Cas apologized for Gabriel's behavior, and that made Sam laugh. Cas smiled because, although he wasn't sure why they were happy, he was pretty sure he had caused it. 

* * *

"Cas, why don't you go put on your sleeping clothes, and I'll talk to Sam for a minute, ok?" Dean said. Cas nodded and walked to the bedroom, with his bear in his hands. 

"So... What did you think of him?" Dean asked. 

"I was really impressed by the real him. You, not so much." Sam said. 

"What do you mean?" Dean asked. 

"I mean, before he broke down, you were trying to make him act different. It was like you were embarrassed by him!" Sam said quietly. 

"No- not at all! I mean... his normal and our normal are different, and I was just trying to make sure you didn't think badly of him by making him our normal. I mean, maybe... maybe I'm a little embarrassed, but that's because my entire life I was taught by someone who laughed at or punished us when we acted weird. And I guess weird isn't the right word, I really try not to use that word, his normal is just... not... natural? I don't know, it's hard to explain." Dean said quietly. 

"Dean, I get it. You're not perfect. Maybe just... don't do that anymore. If someone reacts badly towards Cas, you can kick their ass. In fact, I bet you would even if it was your best friend." Sam grinned. 

"Cas is my best friend." Dean admitted quietly. 

"Alright. You're such a sap tonight." Sam teased. When Dean didn't respond, a light went on in Sam's head. 

"You like him, don't you?" Sam asked. 

"Sam, just because I came out as bi, doesn't mean I'm gonna hit on everyone." Dean said. 

"No, you're right, this isn't some casual crush, you're in love with him." Sam whispered. 

"Shut up, I'm not." Dean said quickly. His face was red, but it wasn't embarrassment. He wouldn't meet his eyes. No, he was lying, even if he didn't know it yet. 

"Cas, hey, there you are, come say bye to Sam." Dean said quickly. Sam smiled, as did Dean, like nothing had happened. 

"Goodbye Sam, it was nice to meet you." Cas said. 

"Cas, be honest, do you like me?" Sam asked. 

"I was scared of you at first, but Dean likes you, and you make Dean happy, so I tried not to be scared. Then you smiled and you were nice, and you were a good listener. I don't know what I said to make you happy, but I enjoyed your company and your stories none the less." Cas said. Sam knew that was a yes. 

* * *

Once Dean had washed the dishes, he went to the bedroom. Cas was watching the cars by himself. Dean sat down on the floor next to him, looking out the long windows. 

"Hey, Cas? I have to ask you something, and I want you to answer honestly." Dean said. Cas didn't respond. 

"Are you upset with me?" Dean asked. 

"No." Cas said quietly. 

"Is something else wrong?" Dean asked. Cas nodded. 

"What is it?" Dean asked carefully. 

"The tired feeling. I'm sad." Cas said quietly. They sat silently, watching the road for a minute, before Dean was going to speak again. Cas beat him to it. 

"Why am I different?" Cas asked quietly. This shocked Dean. Cas had never seemed bother by who he was. 

"You were born different Cas, it's just what happened. God made you unique." Dean said. He wasn't much for religion himself, but he would always encourage Cas. 

"Why can't I feel like you?" Cas asked. 

"Because you're not me." Dean said quickly. He reached out and tried to hold Cas' hand, but Cas pulled away from him. 

"Why did you try to make me be like you?" Cas asked. 

Dean knew this wasn't a jab at him. Cas was genuinely wondering. Which made him feel even more guilty. He had made Cas upset, and now all he could do was be honest. 

"I'm so sorry Cas... I did it because... Sam is always there for me, he's my brother. I'm always proud of him, and for some damn reason, he's proud of me. When he came over, I didn't want him to see you, and not be proud of me. And I didn't want him to be like Bartholomews dad. I didn't think he would, but I wasn't _sure ___either, so I just... I tried to make you like me, so he'd be nice to both of us. Does that make sense so far?" Dean asked. Cas thought for a moment, then nodded.

__"The thing is Cas, he didn't want to see you acting like me. He ended up wanting you to just be yourself. And I know I've screwed up, I know I was horrible tonight, but I want you to know I'm really sorry. I feel like now is the time I should be asking if you want me to leave." Dean said quietly._ _

__"I'm still sad." Cas said. This was his way of saying he was still upset that Dean would try to make him normal. Frankly, Dean hated himself too._ _

__"I know..." Dean said. He ducked his head because he was not going to cry, damnit. It was his fault in the first place, he deserved to feel like shit._ _

__"I don't want you to leave." Cas said. Dean nodded and forced a smile. Freaking compassionate son of a bitch._ _

__"Dean... You were... being normal. It's ok." Cas said quietly. He put a hand on Deans back, and Dean knew that was just for him. He wasn't sure how he was still holding back tears. He came in here to comfort Cas and he had turned the tables somehow._ _

__"You don't understand, it's not ok, I tried to change you, and that was wrong." Dean insisted._ _

__"That was wrong." Cas parroted. Dean nodded and hid his face in his knees._ _

__"That's ok." Cas said. Before Dean could react, Cas was kneeling beside him, and was hugging his from the side._ _

__"You sure you wanna forgive me?" Dean asked._ _

__"Yes." Cas nodded, squeezing him tighter. Dean nodded and sniffed, then stood up, leading Cas with him. He started to lay down, and Cas pulled up, making him lay in his bed._ _

__"Stay there." Cas said. He walked off and a minute later, Dean could hear him brushing his teeth. Dean smiled and followed him, standing beside him and brushing his teeth too._ _

__When they went back to Cas' bed, instead of Dean holding Cas like he usually would, Cas decided to make him turn and spoon him. Dean wasn't going to complain._ _

__"I'm so sorry for what I did tonight Cas." Dean said carefully._ _

__"That's ok." Cas said, tightening his grip on Dean and nuzzling his face into Deans neck._ _

__"Will you... not do it again?" Cas asked._ _

__"Of course not." Dean said._ _

"Ok." Cas said. He yawned and pressed himself closer to Dean before his breathing evened out. Dean fell asleep soon after, with the smell of Cas' fruity shampoo surrounding him.  


**Author's Note:**

> I will make part two and three, just not yet.  
> I hope everything is right. I read some autistic!Cas fics and wanted to make my own, so I put some of my own, and other peoples autism experience into this.  
> Ps it keeps italicizing everything a copying sentences! I tried to fix it but I don't know what's happening. If there are any weird problems, then sorry!


End file.
